Campaign Speech

A few years ago I was suckered into running for vice president of my company’s Employee’s Association. It turns out no one else ran. The week of the “election” I wrote this and shared it with friends at work.

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 Good afternoon, my fellow employees.

[Thunderous applause, several “woot!”s, and a single emphatic, “We love you, Tim!” from the crowd]

Thank you, thank you. You’re wonderful. Really. Please… Yes, thank you. 

I just wanted to take the time to say a few words today – during this momentous, historic election week – to thank my supporters.

[Uproarious applause, a couple hardy “here-here!”s, and a single, touched, “Aw shucks”]

…and also to send a special message to those who may still feel undecided about how to cast their vote in this election. 

[A death-like hush fills the room]

First, I want to say a few things about my opponent. 

[Boos, hissing, a few “Tsk! Tsk!”s, and an embittered series of words unfit to print here]

As I have asserted throughout this election season, if ever there has been a do-nothing candidate, it is my opponent. To vote for my opponent is to throw away your vote entirely. 

[More booing, a few “uh-huh”s, and an odd silence, as that one fellow has left to use the restroom]

Some have criticized those statements as impossible to substantiate. 

[Deafening eye-rolling]

No, it’s true, they’ve said that. And I’d say they have a valid point. 

[Surprised murmur, with a few uneasy sneezes]

But that is only because my opponent’s positions on the issues are impossible to substantiate! 

[Reinvigorated cheers!]

And my opponent’s campaign is impossible to substantiate!! 

[More cheers!!]

And my very opponent is impossible to substantiate!!! 

[Even more cheers!!!]

Now some have said that these accusations are unfair and unkind. After all, I have nobody running in opposition. This may be true. But I think it is important to look at nobody’s record, for that says it all. 

[Lots of nodding, with a couple reasonable shrugs]

Let me ask you: Who has received repeated requests from my campaign staff for Atrium debates and has failed to take me up on my offer?

Nobody has! 

[Several “yeah!”s]

Let me ask you: Who has pestered you with junk mailings and obnoxious phone calls at dinner time?

Nobody has! 

[More “yeahs!”, with a few murmurs of “that’s right, I haven’t had a single one!”]

Let me ask you: Whose campaign has been entirely financed by viatical companies?

Nobody’s has!! 

[“Yeahs!” abound once again, followed by a single “No!!!” as the fellow who has returned from the bathroom has lost track of what part of the speech we’re in. Murmurs as those around him get him up to speed.]

Let me ask you: who has said nasty things about each one of you and your mothers behind your backs, and left tacks on your chairs, and eaten your potted plants when you haven’t been looking????

NOBODY!!!!!

[Utter tumult as a sea of employees respond, gradually breaking into a chant of “We hate nobody!” A lone voice shouts, “And nobody took my stapler!”]

That’s right!… You’re outraged that nobody has treated you badly – as you well should be! 

[Reinvigorated uproar, with a single cry of “Rutabagas of Justice!!!” Murmurs as everyone wonders what that was supposed to mean.]

And this is why, on this important, historic election day, you shouldn’t vote for nobody. Remember: a vote for Tim is a vote for SOMEBODY!

[Cheers, a couple “Hip-hip-hoorays!” and an “Olly-olly oxen free!” Gradually the masses break into song, singing “For he’s a jolly good fellow!” and carrying Tim away from the stage.]